Things the staff of DS9 are no longer allowed to do
by Sapphire's Ink
Summary: Rule 9,1: Pursuant to this rule, no shoving people over tables. Lots of cracky crack.
1. 1-39

**Things the staff of DS9 are no longer allowed to do:**

 **Rule 1: No quoting movies from the 20th to the 22nd century. No one will understand your references and it's rude.  
Rule 1.1: No quoting stories no one else has read.  
Rule 1.2: No quoting from Holosuite programs no one else has played.  
Rule 1.3: No quoting from the dictionary.  
Rule 1.4: No references.  
** **Rule 1.5: No pop culture that come from before the twenty-second century.  
Rule 1.6: I can't believe it took this long to say it, but Julian, NO QUOTES OR REFERENCES OR ANY KIND!**

 **Rule 2: Julian, while we respect your love for the disgusting replicated tomato soup, please just eat the good tomato soup Sisko made for us all. You don't want to make him cry again, right?**

 **Rule 3: Odo is banned from participating in scary holosuite programs.**

 **Rule 4: -**

 **Rule 5: The rule above is stricken, and Quark is banned from adding rules to The List. Also, keep The List codes very close, we don't want to be hacked again.**

 **Rule 6: Please delete your GalaxyNet history once a day. _Please._**

 **Rule 7: Miles, no matter how much your baby cries, you are not allowed to take him to work with you.**

 **Rule 8: Just because Jadzia's hair conditioner makes a half-decent sealant, you cannot use it as a sealant when you've run out of the real stuff.**

 **Rule 9: There is a fine line between friendly ribbing and outright bullying. Do not cross this line.  
Rule 9.1: Pursuant to this rule, no more shoving people over tables.**

 **Rule 10: Different species mean different body chemistry. If you're having someone over for dinner, make sure it's friendly to their chemical makeup. I've had enough of two hundred simultaneous cases of food poisoning.**

 **Rule 11: Benjamin Sisko's cold food storage areas are very large and they spontaneously grow in response to each time he gets a new shipment of fish. Do not enter without a combadge and make sure children know they're not to enter in.**

 **Rule 12: Sisko, we think it's wonderful you love piloting the Defiant, but quit acting like Godzilla. Please.  
Rule 12.1: This rule applies to you too, Worf.  
Rule 12.2: I formally apologize for referencing Godzilla in this rule.**

 **Rule 13: If we can hear your music from the next room, it's too loud.  
Rule 13.1: If you hear knocking, it's not necessarily at the door. If there's no one at the door, take it as a signal for 'shut up', 'stop humming', or 'I'm trying to sleep so shut the f*ck up'.  
Rule 13.2: I formally apologize for using the word 'f*ck' in rule 13,1. It has been censored. I would also like to apologize to the parents of the child who has now started using 'f*ck' as a verb.**

 **Rule 14: Do not use The List as a means for apologizing. Doing it in person is more sentimental.**

 **Rule 15: Having a trench coat is fine, especially since the Infirmary is always cold anyways, but why did you have to make it white, say 'Yondaime Hokage', and have red fire patterns on the bottom hem?  
Rule 15.1: Julian, get a trench coat in the appropriate colors and don't reference _Naruto_ so deviously anymore.  
Rule 15.2: That does not mean making a black trench coat with the Japanese characters for 'head medic' with a Starfleet symbol on the back and a hem lined with blue fire. It's still considered a reference.  
Rule 15.3: It doesn't say 'head medic', is says 'star fleet officer'. Deal with it, or I'm going back to the Yondaime coat, dattebayo.**

 **Rule 16: If you can find a suitable replacement, yes, you can ditch the utility belts. I know they're bulky and everything always falls out of the weird pouches because they're only one-quarter the way inside the weird pouch thing. On that note, don't use the waistband of your pants or your boots.  
Rule 16.1: Good. F*cking. Luck.**

 **Rule 17: Do not disturb the Senior Staff while they're sleeping if you're not doing it via combadge. Each have gone through mental trauma and often have night terrors. If you yell them awake, they're less likely to be complacent as when you shake them awake. When you shake them awake, you're likely to get a knife to your jugular.  
Rule 17.1: On that note, it's very rude, and I have trained Worf's therapy moose-rabbit to go for the throat.**

 **Rule 18: Julian, we understand why you have repressed anger towards the Dominion. But this is enough, and you have got to find a way to deal with it.  
Rule 18.1: Look at the dagger calling the throwing knife sharp. I distinctly remember you showing up for work late one day ranting about Cardassians and how you wanted to... Excuse me, the quote just slipped my mind. I believe it was something along the lines of 'they should be punched in the face, bisected, and fed to little Bajoran babies', save with many more details I don't care to repeat and several hundred expletives.  
Rule 18.2: Similarly, Captain. We know you're a connoisseur of knowledge concerning the Earth 2010 and 2020s, but please shut up about Donald Trump being an 'absolute f*cking moron'.**

 **Rule 19: No more Rube Goldberg machines to do things like pouring cereal. We have replicators for that, y'know.**

 **Rule 20: Yes, Sisko, well-done steaks are a travesty and should never be tolerated, but GET YOUR F*CKING TONGS OUT OF OTHER PEOPLES' FACES!**

 **Rule 21: Cross dressing creates more trouble than it's worth. If you're trans, that's fine, but don't play it off as cultural when you're very clearly wearing a woman's nightdress in the middle of Quark's in your time off. That's just a bit weird.  
Rule 21.1: Pursuant to this, you cannot harass foreigners or visitors to the station who don't have any idea of the rules.  
Rule 21.2: Dress robes have no bearing on this rule and are completely acceptable.**

 **Rule 22: Julian, I really thought I taught you to lie better than _this_. Section 31 does most certainly not want to keep you for demented sexual fantasies concerning genetic enhancements (somehow). If you're going to lie, lie better than _that_.**

 **Rule 23: No more reading porn outside of the privacy of your quarters. People are likely to read over your shoulder and you're likely to drop your padd somewhere and forget about it. I don't need more people asking me whether they can please punch you in the face, even though it wouldn't hurt.  
Rule 23.1: Similarly, I _do not need_ parents coming to me ranting about how their children asked what an orgasm was. 'They already had the sex speech planned out', they said, 'but they never thought to prepare a speech concerning orgasms', they said. Keep your F*cking books within arm's reach or I will take out Murder Mode. No joke.**

 **Rule 24: No Murder Mode (save in life-threatening circumstances).  
Rule 24.1: I'm allowed to exude f*cking Killing Intent if I f*cking want to. F*cking orgasm speeches...**

 **Rule 25: Just a friendly reminder than euphemisms and expressions don't necessarily mean the same thing in different languages. They also have a completely different verbal system. Don't assume someone is saying a swear word if they're speaking in a native language. The word 'ass' in Bajoran means 'foam', while in Federation (standard), it is the swear for 'butt'. Please do not assume _anything_.**

 **Rule 26: Worf, none of us know where you got all those animals you hide whenever one of us visits, and while we're impressed with your mad skills in hiding them, how did you actually get them?  
Rule 26.1: On that note, stop trying to pawn one of the kittens off on my family. We already have Chester. He's enough.**

 **Rule 27: Sisko, speaking in riddles is just as annoying as Julian making references none of us understand. Stop it.  
Rule 27.1: I can hardly help it when my mind if kerfuffled by the Prophets.**

 **Rule 28: Going around the Promenade screaming about zombies is _not_ okay. I thought you learned from ridiculous excuses.**

 **Rule 29: Ridiculous excuses are not going to be tolerated. Your hair is not dyed, it's impossible to get caught in a sandstorm, or ion storm, or rainstorm, or blizzard, or run into a kitten up a tree, or be lost on the road of life, and it doesn't matter that you've found a piece of string, or that you had to sew up a tear in your jacket, or anything else you've fabricated. Please stop insulting our intelligence.  
Rule 29.1: But I really did lose my combadge that one time!**

 **Rule 30: Don't mess with Odo's bucket. He might not sleep in there anymore, but it's still rude to defile someone's property.**

 **Rule 31: My cute little overachievers, no matter what you've been taught at the Academy, DO NOT WRITE MISSION REPORTS IN CODE.**

 **Rule 32: No sugar highs. _Please_.**

 **Rule 33: Don't let Julian have caffeine in the mornings. The resulting disaster is beyond explanation.**

 **Rule 34: For any reason whatsoever, do not keep Kira from her caffeine. Pregnancy or not, you do not have the right to control her life like that, Miles. And an addiction of caffeine based on what happens in the womb is impossible. Physical and mental deformities in children are because of _alcohol_. Shouldn't you have your facts straight by now?**

 **Rule 35: Julian, the method you use to keep track of when girls are on their menstrual cycle is unfair. Share the information with the guys or stop doing it altogether.  
Rule 35.1: Julian, I'm going to be generous and give you the benefit of the doubt and you're not a weirdo of this level of weirdness. Start explaining or I'll beat the crap out of you.  
Rule 35.2: I don't even know what you're talking about. I don't track the menstrual cycle of every woman on the station. Such a thing is a waste of my time. Which is to say, I would have to devote a hundred hours a week at least to keep track of who was on their menstrual cycle. I'm not a gossip freak.**

 **Rule 36: The next person who says _anything_ about my prune juice being odd for a Klingon warrior is getting a Bat'leth to the chest.**

 **Rule 37: No flirting on duty.**

 **Rule 38: Notify people a month in advance when their parents are coming to the station so we can be on a nice f*cking long journey a hundred miles away from the station when that happens. _Please.  
_ Rule 38.1: Julian, there's no need to be so dramatic.  
Rule 38.2: Last time my parents came to the station, I was revealed to be an illegal genetically enhanced freak. The expletives are unnecessary, sure, but they do drive the point home.  
Rule 38.3: Point taken.**

 **Rule 39: Do not turn in paperwork in the form of pornography.  
Rule 39.1: For the record, it was rather well-written porn, so kudos to you Lissara, but don't do it again, and I expect your actual report on my desk before the end of the day.**

 **...**

"Dear god, what is wrong with this Senior Staff?"

"Apparently, they enjoy playing pranks on each other, sir."

*Sigh.* "Are we sure we need an updated copy of the Rules by this point? One of them probably involved no dumping paint cans on the filing ensigns."

The Admiral's assistant fidgeted.

"There... Isn't actually a rule that says no dumping paint cans on other member of the staff, is there?"

"Rule 217.3, sir," the assistant looked cowed and winced.

The Admiral banged his head on his desk. "What the hell was rule 217?"

"Rule 217: 'Do not antagonize the filing ensigns for doing their jobs in an unorthodox manner, because that would make you the biggest hypocrites who have ever hypocrite'ed."'

"... Well, then."

"Yes, sir."

"Alexi, would you please leave me alone for a bit?"

"Of course, sir."

Alexi came back three hours later with a raktajino, when her boss had finally stopped punching his walls.


	2. 40-78

_Please give me prompts. I like prompts. I like writing prompts. I love hearing whatever you want me to do with these guys._ _I want to reach 240 rules at least. I would appreciate it if you guys could help._

 _Each chapter will be at least 39 rules._

 _Enjoy._

* * *

Against his better judgement, and to see whatever else was ridiculous enough to warrant a rule, the Admiral and Alexi kept reading.

 **Rule 40: The Senior Staff are not allowed to bring tribbles on the station anymore. It's ruining my business.  
Rule 40,1: Who let Quark on the List again?  
Rule 40,2: I did.  
Rule 40,3: And who the f*ck are you?  
Rule 40,4: Nice try.  
**

 **Rule 41: When we say to keep your imaginations in check, fucking keep them in check. The last time they didn't, the station was nearly destroyed.  
Rule 41,1: I already apologized for that weird bastardization copy of you, Zia! What the hell else do you want me to do?  
**

 **Rule 42: No more cursing on the List. It must all be censored.  
Rule 42,1: F*ck your f*cking censoring habits, you motherf*cking c*cksucking sh*tfaced motherf*cking *ssf*cking c*nthole.  
Rule 42,2: Screw you too.  
**

Alexi giggled.

"It's not funny, stop laughing."

 **Rule 43: What did we say about giving Julian too much caffeine?  
Rule 43,1: F*ck you, I'll drink whatever the f*ck I wanna drink!  
**

 **Rule 44: Magic is prohibited in Ops.**

 **Rule 45: Children are prohibited from coming in Ops.**

 **Rule 46: Dignitaries and ambassadors are prevented from coming to Ops without permission from a member of Senior staff.  
Rule 46,1: Unless it's Dr Bashir, in which case, kick them out anyways.  
**

 **Rule 47: Garak is prohibited from setting foot in Ops.  
Rule 47,1: I will go wherever I please.  
**

 **Rule 48: Garak is not allowed on the List again.  
Rule 48,1: Of course, my dear.  
**

 **Rule 49: I'm serious, Garak.  
Rule 49,1: I'm being perfectly serious as well, dear Doctor.**

 **Rule 50: STOP FLIRTING AND F*CK ALREADY!**

 **Rule 51: Randomly coming into the Infirmary with blood on your uniform and a bloody harpoon is not acceptable.  
Rule 51,1: Security will be called if you do it again.  
Rule 51,2: My apologies for it happening a third time.  
**

 **Rule 52: -  
** **Rule 52,1: SEE! AND YOU WONDER WHY WE KEEP QUARK AWAY FROM THE LIST!**

"What the hell did he write?"

"Fuck if I know."

 **Rule 53: Sitting in the corner of the school just to drink tea is making my students twitchy, Bashir. Why do you keep doing it?  
Rule 53,1: I have no clue what you're talking about, Keiko.  
Rule 53,2: Odo?  
Rule 53,3: I'm not that good at faces.  
**

 **Rule 54: No having sex in the Infirmary. That's my place of work. Just _no_.**

 **Rule 55: No having sex it my office.**

 **Rule 56: No having sex in my bar. I can hear you guys. Take it to the holosuites - at least they have soundproofing.**

 **Rule 57: No having sex on the _Defiant_. The walls are really, really thin.**

 **Rule 58: No eating in Engineering.**

 **Rule 59: Printing off documents just to shred them in unnecessary. Stop it.**

 **Rule 60: The paper in paperwork does not have to be taken literally.  
Rule 60,1: Do not make it into origami, either.  
**

 **Rule 61: Music is prohibited in Ops.  
Rule 61,1: It is, however, permitted in the Infirmary, especially during surgeries.  
**

 **Rule 62: Intoxication while on duty is forbidden.  
Rule 62,1: Yes, that includes changelings.  
**

 **Rule 63: No having sex in Engineering.**

"There it is," Alexi chuckled. "I was wondering when 'don't have sex in Engineering' would show up."

 **Rule 64: Decorating the Bridge is not allowed.**

 **Rule 65: This includes not toilet-papering the Bridge.**

"Was that actually a problem at one point?"

"Keep reading."

 **Rule 66: Cosplay is not permitted during work hours.**

 **Rule 67: The Founders do not want to keep you as a sex slave, Odo. Captain, you should tech your security chief to lie better. -Admiral Krajensky**

"Was this rule recorded before or after the incident on the Defiant in which Odo killed another changeling after said changeling attempted to Link with him?"

Alexi sighed.

 **Rule 68: Quark is not allowed anywhere near the walls of Ops with a bucket of paint.  
Rule 68,1: Especially if Jadzia (Cmmdr Dax) thinks it's a good idea.**

"Okay, now I'm curious."

 **Rule 69: Weyoun is not allowed in Ops.  
Rule 69,1: Especially when accompanied by Dukat or Damar.  
**

 **Rule 70: Captain, the proper solution to any problem is not immediately Rakjajino.  
Rule 70,1: Julian, it's not immediately Tarkalean Tea either.  
Rule 70,2: -  
Rule 70,3: No, it's not 'burn everything to the ground and start over again' either.  
Rule 70,4: Especially when mixed with alcohol.  
**

 **Rule 71: Nog, can you explain why the interior of the Filing rooms are now orange?**

Alexi and the Admiral looked at each other, then turned back to the PADD's screen. "Orange?"

 **Rule 72: Jadzia, while your techniques are certainly interesting, don't do it again. The repairs are beginning to put a dent in our budget.**

"What budget could that possibly be?"

"Well, the Bajorans still use Latinum, don't they?"

 **Rule 73: Whoever's stalking me, stop it. I'm getting paranoid about stalkers I can't prove exist.  
Rule 73,1: Worf, you don't have a stalker.  
Rule 73,2: _SEE!_  
**

 **Rule 74: Garak, can you explain why we found a little Bajoran crying about snake people twenty feet from your shop?  
Rule 74,1: Beats me.  
**

"I don't think I want to know the answer to that one."

 **Rule 75: Julian, you're not allowed to flirt with visiting dignitaries.  
Rule 75,1: Especially after they promise to kill your stalkers.  
**

 **Rule 76: No one is allowed to reply to cold-blooded ambassadors when they say 'You'd be surprised what I can do with my tongue' with 'Hmm. Tempting.'**

 **Rule 77: -  
Rule 77,1: Ensigns, you have to stop answering to any of the Senior Staff's orders with 'Jawohl, mein Fuher!'. The rule where you were forced to say that has been erased.  
**

 **Rule 78: Can anyone explain why Nurse Jabara was holding a drunken rave in the middle of the ore processing center?**

"That's not a question I need an answer to," Alexi said as she shut off the monitor.

"Where are you going?" the Admiral asked.

"Lunch. I'm starved," Alexi said.


	3. 79-117

_AN: Please give me prompts. I like prompts. I like writing prompts. I love hearing whatever you want me to do with these guys._ _I want to reach 285 rules at least. I would appreciate it if you guys could help._

 _Each chapter will be at least 39 rules._

 _Enjoy._

* * *

 **Rule 79: I need to bleach my brain.**

Alexi blinked. "Huh. All the other ones were so specific, too."

 **Rule 79,1: I need to bleach my ears.  
** **Rule 79,2: I need to bleach my eyes.  
** **Rule 79,3: Stop bleaching yourself. Why are you bleaching yourself?  
Rule 79,4: PEOPLE WON'T STOP HAVING SEX IN THE INFIRMARY!  
**

 **Rule 80: Defacing the Defiant is not a secret invitation to the Inner Circle and therefore one of your best guarantees for survival. Random Ensigns, _stop doing it_.**

 **Rule 81: Researching the mating practices of other species with the intention to seduce them is very weird.  
Rule 81,1: Especially when you ask their dads about it.  
Rule 81,2: THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS DOING WITH TAIN!  
Rule 81,3: So you were sleeping with your boyfriend's dad? GROSS!  
Rule 81,4: GRAAAAHHHHH!  
**

"I have so many questions about this," Alexi sighed.

 **Rule 82: Contrary to what Quark may tell you, absinthe will not make the heart grow fonder.**

"That pun is horrible," Alexi propped up her feet.

 **Rule 83: Stop setting things on fire to keep the attention of the Admirals and Bajoran Council (especially the Kai) away from me. Like, I still need to work.  
Rule 83,1: I really appreciate it, btw. Don't tell them.  
**

 **Rule 84: Killing people for breathing wrong is not allowed.**

 **Rule 85: No, you cannot create medical techniques to make humanoids into the equivalent of clownfish.  
Rule 85,1: It was only to study reproductive systems!  
Rule 85,2: EVEN BIGGER NO!  
**

"Um. That's... Pretty impressive. I wonder how far he got with his research."

 **Rule 86: Nog's candy is not to be messed with.**

 **Rule 87: Anyone too intelligent to be true is probably too good to be true. Approach at your own risk.**

Alexi thought back to Julian Bashir, who was revealed to be genetically enhanced a while ago. "That sounds vaguely racist... I'm kinda worried."

"Back to the list," the admiral said, appearing out of nowhere.

 **Rule 88: the god fly H.U.M.U.N.K.U.L.E.S does not exist.  
Rule 88,1: Yes, I do. SPIT IN MY FACE!  
Rule 88,2: "I'LL KILL YOU!"  
**

Alexi blinked. "What?"

"It's a reference."

"Wasn't there a rule banning references?

"Yes."

"Do they know it's a reference?"

"I don't know."

The two shrugged and turned back to the list.

 **Rule 89: No Rules of Acquisition in Ops.**

 **Rule 90: Mixing cocaine and medicine is not a good idea, and I'll shove a knife through the chest of the next person who tries.**

Alexi's mouth watered. _"Violence!"_

"Down, girl."

 **Rule 91: Those originating from canine species: you cannot use the excuse 'marking your territory' to urinate on anything.  
Rule 91,1: Yes, that includes people.  
Rule 91,2: And yes, the Klingons will beat the shit out of you if you try.**

 **Rule 92: Giving Julian French fries still counts as a reference, and you absolutely must not do it.**

 **Rule 93: Having sex with your Mirrorverse-self is prohibited.  
Rule 93,1: Especially if they're your opposite gender and you want to know if your offspring will be your clone or horribly inbred.  
**

"That's so gross."

"Mm-hmm."

 **Rule 94: Martok is not to be referred to as Old One-Eye, and was not found on planet Macragge. It was an asteroid.**

 **Rule 95: Wood-based phasers will not work on vampires.  
**

 **Rule 96: Playing pranks and then blaming them on Jake and Nog will not get them in trouble.  
Rule 96,1: Unless you are Jake and Nog.  
**

 **Rule 97: What the hell is the Matrix of Leadership, and why are you sending gullible ensigns to search for it?  
Rule 97,1: It is most definitely not a reference, I promise.  
**

"It totally is," Alexi sighed. "What is the doctor's obsession with references?"

"The admiral shrugged.

 **Rule 98: Today is not a good day to die, thank you very much.**

 **Rule 99: No Inner Circle member (as in, anyone who played baseball with us against the Logicians) is allowed to die before Benjamin Sisko is back from the Wormhole.**

 **Rule 100: Screaming 'BUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSS' around insectoid species is not only inappropriate, it will get you fired.  
Rule 100,1: Setting up electric insect lamps around their quarters will get you extra-fired.  
Rule 100,2: Singing 'the ants go marching one by one' around them is similarly disrespectful.  
**

"Did we actually get that court-martial?"

"Seven, actually. Mostly ensigns and civilians. They were all punished."

"Good."

 **Rule 101: Calling Quark a pervy old man just because he's about 70 in human years is not acceptable. Mentally, he's the same age as a twenty-year-old.  
Rule 101,1: This especially applies if there are visiting dignitaries.  
Rule 101,2: And it extra-applies in case they want to check if it's true.  
**

 **Rule 102: Odo is not allowed to choke people by turning part of his body into air and manipulating it to crush their throats unless they're on missions.  
Rule 102,1: Odo is not allowed to say 'you lack of faith disturbs me' even if they are enemies.  
**

"Alexi, I feel like this is a reference. Look it up."

"Searching," the woman obliged. It took barely a minute. " _Star Wars_. Darth Vader."

"Well, who in the world introduced Star wars to the Security Chief?"

 **Rule 103: Julian, what did we say about bringing Odo to holosuite programs?  
Rule 103,1: No, that was scary holosuite programs. You said nothing about adaptations of _Star Wars_.  
**

"Yeah, there it is."

 **Rule 104: Doctoring photos of Julian Bashir and E. Garak will not encourage anyone to write about them.  
Rule 104,1: And no, they will not give you a free show, you sick, sick perverts.  
Rule 104,2: Seriously, go see Ezri.**

 **Rule 105: Don't burst into song, ever.**

 **Rule 106: Fuck you all, papercuts are not medical emergencies.**

 **Rule 107: Setting Data's cat on fire is not an acceptable pastime.  
Rule 107,1: Neither is setting Data on fire.  
**

 **Rule 108: You are not allowed to call Miles's SIC, Lieutenant Hallen, Mrs H, H-sama, or any other way of calling her H.**

"I could be wrong, but is that a reference?"

"They're making so many rules against it."

"While also using those references."

"Are they noticing the dissonance?"

"Perhaps."

 **Rule 109: Do not start your reports with 'once upon a time' or 'in a land far, far away'.  
Rule 109,1: Writing them on scrolls is also prohibited.**

 **Rule 110: If people keep asking me what my favourite sexual position is, I will not hesitate to go into a 30-minute spiel about the pros and cons of every position I've ever tried, with emphasis on gender differences or species differences.  
Rule 110,1: WHERE THE FUCK DO I SIGN UP!  
**

The admiral went off to get some brain bleach.

Alexi sipped her tea noisily.

 **Rule 111: If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, there's a good chance it's a changeling coming to kill everything.  
Rule 111,1: Shoot it.**

 **Rule 112: Don't tease people who can kick your ass. Even if they're older than you. Especially if they're older than you.**

"I wonder what prompted this rule," Alexi wondered aloud.

 **Rule 113: Our motto is not 'The fundamental laws of the universe are for lesser people'.**

Alexi's tea got cold really quickly. She really didn't like cold Plixiplaxian tea.

Through force of will, her tea reheated. She sipped it.

 **Rule 114: Keep your victory dance urges to yourself.**

 **Rule 115: "Do you want the official version or the real version" is not a question to be asked when referring to your last mission.  
Rule 115,1: Especially when referring to espionage, sabotage, or assassination.  
**

Alexi sipped her tea. "I thought that went without saying."

 **Rule 116: If a colleague or close friend reappears after being dead for any amount of time, you are not allowed to freak out and yell 'DOES NO ONE STAY DEAD IN THIS MOTHERF*CKING WORLD!'.**

 **Rule 117: You are not pirates.  
Rule 117,1: Nor does this make you inherently better than actual pirates just because you have a better ship.  
**

Alexi blinked. "I don't have enough tea for this shit."


	4. 118-156

_AN: Please give me prompts. I like prompts. I like writing prompts. I love hearing whatever you want me to do with these guys._ _I want to reach 285 rules at least. I would appreciate it if you guys could help._

 _Each chapter will be at least 39 rules._

 _Enjoy._

* * *

 **Rule 118: No one is allowed to sell their soul.  
Rule 118,1: Or their skeletons.  
Rule 118,2: Or their vacuum-sealed bodies.  
**

"Isn't that a Ferengi death ritual?"

"Yes."

"Is there a reason why it's forbidden?"

"Probably."

"Should we go check it out?"

"Why would we do that?"

 **Rule 119: No one is allowed to challenge Julian Bashir or Miles O'Brien to a game of darts. One is genetically enhanced and the other frequently beats him. You are, however, free to bet against them. See how far it gets you.**

 **Rule 120: Benjamin Sisko and Odo are not gods. Whoever set up the shrine in the break room, take it down or be prepared to face a manhunt.**

"But Sisko is technically a Prophet..."

"And Odo's people are revered as gods among the Dominion..."

 **Rule 121: Any form of the word 'accident' cannot be used as an excuse.**

 **Rule 122: There is no ethics committee.  
Rule 122,1: And if there was, no member of Senior Staff would be allowed on.  
**

Alexi sipped her tea. "Well, murder is a part of the job description..."

"Don't finish that thought."

 **Rule 123: Miles O'Brien is from an alternate timeline, but you must not tell this to other people.  
Rule 123,1: Especially if they're tech nerds.  
Rule 123,2: Or investigating the possibility that the wormhole is the key to an alternate dimension.  
Rule 123,3: Or they want to travel through dimensions.  
Rule 123,4: And he cannot issue orders to corrupt the timeline, even if he's done it himself multiple times.**

"Doesn't that go against the temporal prime directive?"

"In fact, it does."

"Then why was the Chief doing this in the first place?"

"I have a better question. If there's a rule made about this, how many times did this happen sequentially?"

Alexi and her boss had a bit of a staring contest before turning back to the dreaded List.

 **Rule 124: Phasers are not the immediate solution to every problem.**

"Wasn't there already a rule about this?"

"That was about drinks and pyrotechnics."

 **Rule 124,1: Nor is it 'more phasers'.  
Rule 124,2: Except for that one time.  
**

"I don't even want to know."

 **Rule 125: The speed dating incident will never be spoken of again.**

"Do I want to know?"

"No, you don't. Keep reading."

 **Rule 126: Nothing can be rated 'over 9000'.  
Rule 126: Why not?  
Rule 126: Because it's still a f*cking reference. If I'm not allowed my references, then you're not allowed your either, and f*ck you.**

 **Rule 127: The following statement is true.  
Rule 127,1: The preceding statement was false.  
**

The Admiral blinked. Alexi slurped her tea.

 **Rule 128: Worf is not allowed to declare war on anything.**

 **Rule 129: If Sisko has to ask something, it's above his security clearance.  
Rule 129,1: If it's above Sisko's security clearance, get the f*ck out of dodge.  
**

 **Rule 130: "My evil twin did it" is no longer an acceptable excuse, especially if your twin isn't identical.  
Rule 130,1: Nor is "My good twin did it".  
**

Alexi slurped her tea _really_ loudly. "Fuck you, I am _so_ allowed to use that excuse."

 **Rule 131: Age regression is not something to be studied. I was a baby for a week, and I don't want it to happen again.**

"I don't even want to know."

"I think I do, though."

 **Rule 132: Anyone claiming to be from the Mirror Universe is to be shot.  
Rule 132,1: Especially if they're the mirror-verse version of you that wants to experiment with your offspring.  
**

 **Rule 133: A full minute of stunned silence means you should get the fuck out of dodge, not continue with your explanation.**

"What does 'get the fuck out of dodge' mean?"

"No one cares."

 **Rule 134: The Federation is not and never has been associated with Hogwarts, School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, no matter how compelling the evidence may be.  
Rule 134,1: Nor has the Federation ever been associated with vampires. That was coloured contacts, hairspray, body glitter, and bad acting.**

"I feel like that's a reference to something."

"I feel like it's something that shouldn't be explored."

"But maybe we should read a hastily-slapped together think piece on the subject, written by someone who hasn't actually seen whatever it is they're talking about?"

"No, that sounds like a bad idea. Let's get on with the List."

 **Rule 135: Making your password 6969696969 is too easy to guess, so you should change it.  
Rule 135: -**

"What was crossed out?"

"DO NOT INVESTIGATE WHATEVER WAS CROSSED OUT!"

 **Rule 136: Miles O'Brien is not allowed to upload deadly viruses to the following message boards:  
a) GalaxyNet  
b) Any imageboard  
(Well, maybe chan boards. It would be doing the gene pool a service.)  
c) Any Fanfiction circles  
(Unless said content involves Julian X Miles.)  
d) DeviantArt  
(Unless said content involves Julian X Miles.)  
e) Intelligence operations  
(Especially the Obsidian Order, Tal Shiar, and Starfleet Intelligence.)  
**

 **Rule 137: No letting the Tal Shiar or Obsidian Order spy on us.**

"WhY dId ThIs NeEd To Be SaId!"

"HoW aRe We YeLlInG iN aLtErNaTiNg CaPiTaL aNd LoWeR-cAsE lEtTeRs!"

 **Rule 138: Why did you throw a dart at Morn? I know you have better aim than that.  
Rule 138,1: Okay, so what you've got to understand is that I was REALLY high.  
Rule 138,2: Don't do it again in the middle of a game!  
Rule 138,3: Blah.  
Rule 138,4: YOU'RE STILL HIGH NOW, AREN'T YOU?  
Rule 138,5: F*CK YEAH!  
**

 **Rule 139: Trying to prove Section 31 exists is futile.**

The Admiral stood up and danced away.

 **Rule 140: Trying to disprove the Prophets' existence to the Prophets' face is ludicrous.  
Rule 140,1: I don't care how compelling the evidence is, Worf. Don't do it.  
**

 **Rule 141: Jadzia, no one wants a talking spider so f*ck off.**

"I'm RATHER DISTURBED BY THIS."

 **Rule 142: Calling everyone by their titles all the time will eventually make them abandon their names. See: Head Desk Ensign. And that's not nice. I had to go digging through years of files to find his actual name. He actually started signing his paperwork with 'Head Desk-Ensign' AND I KNEW WHO HE WAS!**

"Erm."

"Erm."

"So that happened."

"Apparently."

"Why?"

"Because the people on that station are insane."

"Do they need a therapist?"

"Possibly."

"Should we send them one?"

"No."

 **Rule 143: There are no security codes for the following:  
A) The lemur has an arrow glued to its feet  
B) Admiral Kl'ahk forgot his clothes again  
C) Jadzia's experimenting with Frankenstein-type monsters again  
D) Especially spiders  
E) The paperwork is impossible to read  
F) My present wasn't wrapped  
G) I don't know where the runabout's gone  
H) Vic's been replaced again  
I) Weyoun has left the station  
J) The Kai is on the station, HELP  
K) Bashir family reunion  
L) Julian's making references none of us understand  
M) Like seriously, what the hell is the SCP foundation?  
N) Hula-hoops in restricted areas  
O) F*CK OFF  
P) Pizza stains on the explosive metals  
**

"I have so many questions about this."

"No one cares."

 **Rule 144: Turning metal into rubber is prohibited.  
**

"WHAT!"

 **Rule 145: We don't need a repeat of the Halloween Incident, so no more dressing like werewolves to spite Worf.**

"I feel bad for laughing at this."

 **Rule 146: Poker is forbidden. Tongo, on the other hand, is essential.  
Rule 146,1: I have left this here to remind everyone why we don't let Quark add to The List.  
**

 **Rule 147: Adopting people who are older than you is weird. I'm looking at you two, Worf and O'Brien.  
**

 **Rule 148: Fruit.  
Rule 148,1: What?  
Rule 148,2: Fruit.  
**

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"I don't have enough vodka for this shit."

 **Rule 149: For the last time, Martok, you are not allowed to replace your own body parts.  
Rule 149,1: Would you f*ck off already?**

 **Rule 150: Julian, I forbid you from getting high.  
Rule 150,1:  
B  
R  
U  
H  
Rule 150,2: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE CRYBABY SEAL!  
**

"WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT CRYBABY SEAL?"

"AND WHAT TYPE OF SEAL? WHAT SPECIES, AND WHICH PLANET OF ORIGIN?"

 **Rule 151: Quark is not allowed to use the following as payment for bets:  
A) Anal beads and other various sex toys  
B) Various weapons  
C) But especially swords  
D) Absurd amounts of bloodwine  
E) The clap (actually, he might deserve that)  
F) Menstrual blood  
G) Record labels  
H) Alphabets  
I) Cereal (of any kind - ESPECIALLY EYEHOLES)  
J) Clothing (especially off a dead person)  
K) Memories (no idea how that worked in the first place, but screw it, it's on the list either way)  
L) Marijuana  
M) ESPECIALLY Dr Bashir's SCP-420-J  
N) Aphrodisiacs  
O) Regular beads  
P) Body parts (especially heads or hearts)  
Q) The power to summon thunderstorms  
R) Gamma-Quadrant babies (And f*ck off, it happened twice)  
**

"How long does this list go on for?"

Alexi scrolled... And scrolled... And scrolled. "It goes to G-F."

"Fuck it, let's skip the rest."

 **Rule 152: Breaking more than three phones will guarantee you do not get a replacement.**

"Did this really need to be written down?"

"Apparently so."

"And why can't they use replicators?"

"Fuck me, that's too much critical thinking."

"Let's keep reading."

"And stop drinking vodka, sir."

"Fuck off."

 **Rule 153: Re-entacting the Locker Scene from the ending of _Men In Black 2_ is forbidden, especially if you're going to go all Godzilla on their asses.  
Rule 153,1: I apologized for referencing Godzilla in this rule! What the hell else do you want me to do!  
**

 **Rule 154: Telekinesis is forbidden.  
Rule 154,1: F*ck screws, yes it is.  
**

 **Rule 155: No senior Staff member, ESPECIALLY Commander Dax, is EVER allowed on the loudspeakers. Especially not when looking for her pet Trisk'a'plixplisian Tarantula.**

"I didn't know Trisk'a'plixplis had a species of spider."

"They have so many _legs_..." the Admiral shuddered.

"STOP DRINKING SO MUCH!"

 **Rule 156: Claiming responsibility for murder will lead to a formal investigation, and if you're an Inner Circle member, nothing bad will happen, so don't confess to anything, because it won't really get you anywhere.**

"What's the Inner Circle?"

The Admiral sighed. "You wouldn't even understand if I told you."

"Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? My other bosses, they would just tell me whatever was bothering them, and then we'd move on from there!"


	5. 157-194

_AN: Please give me prompts. I like prompts. I like writing prompts. I love hearing whatever you want me to do with these guys._ _I want to reach 285 rules at least. I would appreciate it if you guys could help._

 _Each chapter will be at least 39 rules._

 _Enjoy._

 _PS: Lily Orchard is mentioned at the end of this chapter. All of the mentioned videos are real, and they're found on YouTube._

* * *

Alexi got another cup of tea. Praise be to the Tea Gods.

 **Rule 157: No more playing Galaga in Ops or on the Bridge.**

"I feel like that's a reference to something."

"No one cares what it's a reference to."

"But they thought we wouldn't notice the reference, and we did!"

"I know, and I don't care."

 **Rule 158: Just because United Federation of Planets can be anagrammed as "Fluoridations deafen ten pet", that doesn't mean you should do it.**

"Who the hell did this?"

"Probably the doctor. He's into all sorts of crazy shit."

 **Rule 159: Stop drinking at work.**

"Fuck off," the admiral slurred.

"Fuck on," his assistant replied. "You get better results."

 **Rule 160: I swear, someday I'll get that dragon.  
Rule 160,1: What have we said about being high on duty?  
Rule 160,2: … Nothing?  
**

 **Rule 161: Eating apples makes you an asshole. Or an even bigger bank manager.  
Rule 161,1: Praise to CinemaSins.  
**

"Wasn't there a rule about this?"

"One of the first ones, sir."

"Why are references still allowed on the list?"

"I have no idea."

 **Rule 162: No one will stop me from arresting Quark. Ever.**

 _Hmmm... I need more tea._

 **Rule 163: The Klingon restaurant is now off-limits to Senator Vreenak, or anyone else who goes in just to cause a food fight for a larf.**

 **Rule 164: Cards Against Humanity is no longer allowed in the break room.  
Rule 164,1: Why?  
Rule 164,2: Because of The Incident.  
Rule 164,3: That only happened once, and it was mostly Bashir's fault!  
Rule 164,4: Regardless.  
**

"It feels like we should comment on this."

"Whatever."

 **Rule 165: "Challenge accepted" is never a valid excuse.  
Rule 165,1: Neither is "Because I said so".  
Rule 165,2: Or "The senior staff have gone insane". Even if it's true.  
**

 **Rule 166: Playing with elbow grease and sending gullible people to look for it is encouraged.**

 **Rule 167: The difference between butter and margarine is the difference between life and death to some species. Do not get them confused.**

 **Rule 168: The Prophets' Orbs are not the Infinity stones, and anyone who said Sisko is Thanos because he's trying to collect them is lying their f*cking *ss off.**

" _Infinity War_ , 2018."

"Yeah. Why are there so many movie references?"

"Because the people who made this List have an odd sense of irony?"

"Or they don't realize how many references are on the List."

"..."

"Do you want something to drink?"

"Oh, _Gods, yes._ "

 **Rule 169: Miles O'Brien does not own the Internet. It is also not a black box with a blinking red light.**

"I'm just gonna stop noticing these references, now."

 **Rule 170: Trying to bend elements is just weird. Practising martial arts, however, is more than encouraged.**

" _La la la la la~_ De _eeee_ finitely no references here~"

 **Rule 171: Cat litter is not allowed on the Bridge.**

 **Rule 172: Arson is not allowed anymore.  
**

"ANYMORE!"

 **Rule 173: Bicycles are not permitted on the Promenade or the Habitat ring.**

 **Rule 174: Atom bombs are not allowed on the Station.**

 **Rule 175: Kai Winn is not allowed on the station.  
Rule 175,1: Seconded.  
Rule 175,2: Thirded.  
Rule 175,3: Fourthed.  
**

"She must be a bitch."

"I met her once. She is."

 **Rule 176: Sisko, no.  
Rule 176,1: Sisko, yes.  
Rule 176,2: CAPTAIN SISKO, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADOPT ANY MORE BABIES.  
Rule 176,3: YOU'RE NO FUN!**

 **Rule 177: Cake is not allowed near the computers.  
Rule 177,1: This does indeed include scented cake figurines.  
**

"Why the figurines?"

"I don't think that matters."

 **Rule 178: -  
Rule 178,1: Fuck you, sunglasses are allowed indoors. Sincerely, someone of a much higher rank than you.  
**

"Three guesses who that was, and the first two don't count."

 **Rule 179: No wearing headphones in Ops.  
Rule 179,1: Or on the Bridge.**

 **Rule 180: No singing Klingon opera anywhere but on the Promenade.  
Rule 180,1: Especially in Engineering.  
**

 **Rule 181: Wearing a shirt that says 'rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock' is a bit weird, guys. Like, bruh.  
Rule 181,1: Julian, you're hallucinating again. Go back to sleep.  
**

 **Rule 182: The cake is a lie.  
Rule 182,1: -  
**

"WHAT WAS WRITTEN THERE?"

"WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?"

 **Rule 183: The following things are not phenomena sent by the Prophets. Or maybe they are, what the fuck do I know?  
a) Rainbows  
b) Odo's goop-people.  
c) (Double) (Triple) (Quadruple) rainbows.  
d) "Fucking missing puzzle pieces"  
e) -  
f) Most stellar phenomena outside of the Denorious Belt  
Rule 183,1: Yes, they're responsible for the moons.  
**

"Alrighty then."

 **Rule 184: Ziyal is not allowed to do a Jackson Pollack painting and then try to sell it.  
Rule 184,1: Especially with Jake or Nog.  
Rule 184,2: Or random ensigns.  
**

 **Rule 185: Captain Sisko is not allowed to punch Q.**

 **Rule 186: Q is not allowed to mess up the order of the Rules to make them all disjointed and weird and time-displaced just because he could.**

 **Rule 187: Q is not allowed to add to The Rules.  
Rule 187,1: Well, then q isn't allowed either!  
Rule 187,2: Mom did it!  
Rule 187,3: No, it was that asshole who wanted to off himself!  
Rule 187,4: You're all wrong, it was the 'almost respectable' members of the Council.  
**

"So. All-powerful cosmic entities are arguing about who added to a list of rules created by insane mortals?"

"Yes, it seems that way."

" _WHY!"_

(Person) never got an answer.

 **Rule 188: Just because some people have doctorates does not mean that they are The Doctor.  
Rule 188,1: Even if it's Bashir, no matter how British he is.**

"There are definitely no references here."

"Sir, now you're just deluding yourself."

 **Rule 189: Odo is not allowed to sleep in Quark's drink cups.  
Rule 189,1: Especially if some people try to take a swig.**

"Um."

"Let's never speak of this again.

 **Rule 190: While it is true that no one ever expects the Vulcan inquisition, that's because it never happened.**

 **Rule 191: F*ck you, yes it did.  
Rule 191,1: What is this in response to?  
**

No one cared, too numb to the bullshit already. They moved on.

 **Rule 192: Jadzia's hair clip is not to be fucked with.  
Rule 192,1: Nor are her backup hair clips, or extra backup hair clips.**

"Damn. That woman really likes hair clips."

 **Rule 193: Kira's combadge is lost. If it's stolen, be prepared for a nonlethal phaser burn.  
Rule 193,1: Bashir, keep some in stock, please.  
Rule 193,2: VENGEANCE!**

 **Rule 194: Violent vengeance is not the answer.  
Rule 194,1: There was a video made about three hundred years ago by a knowledgeable video-maker. Her name was Lily Orchard, and the video _Glass of Water: Violence is Golden_ is likely going to show you why you're full of sh*t.  
Rule 194,2: Yup, I'm wrong. Sorry, Kira.  
Rule 194,3: Apology accepted. Don't do it again.  
**

"I feel like I need to watch that video again."

"It's required watching at Starfleet Academy. I don't know how this person could have forgotten that lesson, Ms Orchard was quite poignant."

"Well, I've seen some of her videos pertaining to writing lessons during English literacy, like _Glass of Water: Middle Eastern Omnisexual Demon Hunters, Glass of Water: Totally not a shipping video, Glass of Water: Little Mary Quite Contrary,_ and _Glass of water: Square Root of Edgy_ , but I'd forgotten about _Violence is Golden_. I think I need to rewatch her videos."

"You do that. I'll read the rest of the rules."

Alexi pounced. "NOT WITHOUT ME YOU WON'T, YOU MOTHERF[bleep]CKER!"

The Admiral ran around his desk with the Rules Padd, trying to avoid his deranged assistant. "HOW ARE THERE CENSOR BLEEPS IN YOUR CURSES?!"

"BECAUSE THERE ARE, YOU C[bleep]CKSUCKING SH[bleep]TF[bleep]CKER!"

"DAMN, THOSE CENSOR BLEEPS ARE FUCKING ANNOYING."

"ALL THE BETTER TO DRIVE YOU UP THE F[bleep]CKING WALL WITH!" Alexi cackled.

The people outside the office started to wonder whether the Admiral and his assistant needed Security services.


	6. Crack

_AN: Please give me prompts. I like prompts. I like writing prompts. I love hearing whatever you want me to do with these guys._ _I want to reach 285 rules at least. I would appreciate it if you guys could help._

 _This one's the bona-fide pure crack chapter. Rules resume next time._

 _Enjoy._

* * *

 **Ru-**

"Wait!" Alexi interrupted The Story. "I need more tea."

The Story sighed. 'Can you not wait until I've finished announcing Rule 195?'

"No, it cannot. I need my tea, you heathen. Praise to the tea gods."

'Praise to the tea gods.' The Story rubbed the bridge of its nose. 'Fine. Don't take too long.'

Alexi took six hours.

'What!' The Story yelled. 'Why would you need that long!'

"Tea is a very important chemistry. Any one mistake, and it's undrinkable. Now fuck off. I need to add the ground apricot seeds."

'WHAT! APRICOT SEEDS! WHY WOULD YOU NEED APRICOT SEEDS?'

"Why must you speak in all Caps?"

The Story glared at her.

"Fine. There's a certain taste in the seeds-"

'That gets converted into cyanide-'

"No, not the Amygdalin. It's something else, and it tastes just magnificent. And it's a moot point anyways. I'm immune to cyanide."

The Story sighed. 'Okay. You're immune to cyanide.'

"Really? I mean yes! I'm definitely immune to cyanide. I totally didn't say that just so you would say it and thus make it true. That would be completely bending the laws of nature."

'The fifth Star Trek movie has Spock meet God and it's not considered canon. If Gene Roddenberry can bend the laws of nature to that degree, then of course an amateur fanfiction write would be able to.'

Alexi sipped her tea. "Provided said Fanfiction writer isn't an idiot." She took another sip and her nose scrunched up. "Hey, Story-"

'My name's The Story!'

"Sorry, The Story. Could you make some bubblegum pop up, please? I feel like it would be really good with bubblegum."

'...'

"Are ya gonna do it?"

...

'… What flavour?'

"Surprise me."

It was mint. A very strong mint, strong enough to make her eyes water and her tongue burn.

"Oh, yeah!" Alexi coughed and saw her breath. "This is exactly what I needed."

'Can we get on with the List now, please?'

"No. I need a break."

'Where are you going?'

"Fiji. I've never been there before, and I think it might be kind of interesting."

The Story was kind of sick of being The Story. 'I think I need a vacation, too. Mind taking me with you?'

"Sure. But Boss might object to it."

The Admiral was already in Fiji.

(Of course, no one knew this before The Story made it so. In fact, he was on a date and eating a lovely steak with his wife, and then the timeline was changed and he was sipping on a pina colada with his wife in the beach chair next to his.)

"Are you sure, because it seems like-"

No one questioned The Story's judgement.

So Alexi didn't either.

Logic.

Alexi didn't talk for the entire time they were on route to Fiji.

But she did sing and yodel like Japeth, the mountain goat from _Hoodwinked_.

"Thirty-seven seconds ago, The Story done put a spell on me..."


End file.
